The love of a mother is irreplaceable and doesn’t die, even when she does.

Mother’s Day is a time to honour and celebrate your mother. While it’s a great day and a wonderful opportunity to make your mum feel special, it can also be a hard day if your mother has passed away. It’s a reminder of the loss you feel and carry with you every day.

Time does help and it gets easier as the years pass by, but it doesn’t change the fact that she isn’t here – and it’s natural for your pain and sadness to be heightened on days like Mother’s Day.

 

When you’ve lost your mother

As Mother’s Day approaches, lots of people make plans to spend time with their mum. Some families will meet up for a long lunch, others may plan a special weekend away and some will pay a visit to spend time together. For those who are lucky enough to have their mother in their life, it can be a great day. But if your mother has died, the day can be really hard.

Whether you’re young or old, single or married, a parent or not, losing your mother is one of the most emotional experiences you’ll ever go through. Or you may have lost your mother-in-law, grandmother or other mother figure in your life.

If you’re struggling with grief this Mother’s Day, know that you’re not alone. Here are some things you can do to help make coping with the day a little easier.

• Do something she loved. Was there something your mum especially enjoyed doing? If she loved gardening, buy some plants and plant them in your yard in her memory. If she liked to bake, make one of her favourite recipes. If she liked to hike, take a long walk and think about her. Doing something your mother loved is a lovely way to bring her into your day.
• Practice self care. Sleep in. Go for a walk. Eat a nice meal. Treat yourself to a massage. Do things that bring you comfort and make you smile. Consider it as a tribute to the most important contribution your mother made to the world – you.
• Write a letter. Take the time to write some words to your mother. Think about a favourite time. Recall an important life lesson she left you with. Pour out your feelings on paper or tap away on your computer keyboard and be honest about everything you’re feeling.
• Find the right company. Be selective with your company on Mother’s Day. The last thing you want is to get stuck at a brunch with a room full of mums and their families. Surround yourself with people who know your situation and understand that the day might be difficult for you. Better yet, find someone in the same boat and do something together. It can make the load much easier to bear.
• Allow yourself to cry. It’s almost inevitable that Mother’s Day will bring up some powerful feelings for those grieving the loss of a mother. Give yourself the time to process them in a way that is healthy and beneficial for you, either alone or with others. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need and treat yourself gently as you cry it out.
• Ask for help. If you start to feel overwhelmed by sadness and grief, reach out to a family member, friend or counsellor. Help and support can make all the difference.

 

When you’ve lost a child

Losing a child is one of the most devastating losses anyone can experience and grieving that loss colours the rest of a parent’s life. You can’t escape it and on days like Mother’s Day, the grief may seem unbearable.

If you’re grieving the loss of your child, here are some tips to help you get through the day.

• Write a letter. Writing is a great way to release emotions that are bottled up inside – from grief and pain to guilt and anger. Pour your feelings out onto paper. Write about your feelings and memories of your child. When you’re done, read the letter out loud to yourself. This can be a comforting exercise.
• Lean on family and friends. You don’t need to spend the day alone or put on a happy face and go to a big Mother’s Day celebration. Instead, lean on a friend or two who are sympathetic to your situation and will lend a shoulder to cry on if you need it.
• Don’t minimise the loss. You don’t need to be strong on Mother’s Day or try to minimise the loss by counting your other blessings. You’re allowed to grieve, so give yourself permission.
• Spend time with your kids. If you have other children, spend the day with them. It may hurt to be with them and without the child you have lost, but finding joy in the children still with you is a powerful way to cope with those negative emotions of loss.
• Remember you’re still a mother. Just because you’ve lost a child doesn’t mean that you’re not still a mother to them. Never forget that. You are your child’s mother forever.

 

When kids lose their mum

Mother’s Day can be a challenging time for children who have suffered a loss in their life. If you’re supporting a child who’s lost their mother, grandmother or a mother figure, use Mother’s Day to help them learn about who their mum was in life.

• Ask them what they want to do. Asking children for their input is important. Just like adults, children have their own grief road to travel. Some might not want to do anything at all. Others might have quite strong ideas of how they want to honour their mother. Giving kids a chance to remember their mum in their own way on Mother’s Day can go a long way in the healing process.
• Talk about their Mum. Mother’s Day is a great time to talk about the person they’ve lost. Share happy thoughts, Discuss good times. It will help ensure their mother remains a real presence in their lives.
• Make a memory box. Put keepsakes and other special items into a box. Tangible, visible items can help children feel connected to the person who has gone. It can be pulled out and cherished year round on birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions.
• Make a card. Creating a Mother’s Day card can help children work through what they’re feeling. After they’ve made the card, ask them what they’d like to do with it. They might want to keep it in their room or display it somewhere special in the house. You might even think about tying it to a helium balloon so they can release it into the sky.

 

Supporting others through the day

While you may not have experienced the loss of your mother, some of your friends may have. There are lots of things you can do to reach out and make the day a little brighter. Here are some ideas.

• Be mindful of their feelings. If they don’t feel up to visitors, you should understand and respect that. Offer them a rain check.
• Be a source of comfort. Be there to listen to them and provide support.
• Send a card or give them a call. It’s a small gesture that means a lot. All you need to do is remind them that you’re thinking of them.
• Avoid platitudes. Don’t try to rush your friend through the process of grief. This only invalidates what they’re feeling. Be patient.

 

Remember your mum

Grief and loss is something we all experience at some point in our lives, and having strategies in place to cope with those special times like Mother’s Day can help make the process a little easier to navigate.

Focus on what your mum meant to you and what you learnt from her. What is your mother’s legacy? Why was she important to you? And remember, Mother’s Day is a special day for celebrating and remembering mothers, grandmothers and others, whether they’re living or not.

 

Want to know more?

For more information about coping with grief on Mother’s Day, please contact the Walter Carter Funerals team by emailing community@waltercarter.com.au

Coping with grief during COVID-19

The spread of the coronavirus has taken a huge emotional toll on the community.

It’s changed the way we communicate with our friends and colleagues. It’s changed how we fill our leisure time. And it’s changed how – and if – we can spend time with our families.

Importantly, it’s changed how we experience grief. However, by being aware of your emotional, social and spiritual health, and deliberately focusing on your own self care, you can mitigate the effects of this ‘grief pandemic’.

Find out more at yourloss.com.au

Grief is universal, though it’s not often that we all feel it at the same time. Such is the power and pervasiveness of COVID-19 and the ways in which it’s turned our lives upside down. Understandably, in recent weeks, you may be experiencing anxiousness and uncertainty. But what you may not realise is you may also be feeling anticipatory grief.

Yes, COVID-19 is a health crisis. But, it’s also a psychological and emotional one.

While many of us think of grief as a response to losing someone we love, it’s actually a much more complex phenomenon. Grappling with any kind of loss can involve a grief process, even if that loss isn’t exactly tangible. And there’s a lot to be grieving right now.

Some have lost loved ones to coronavirus or are caring for family and friends who are ill. Others are facing financial uncertainty or have found themselves out of employment and without a source of income. And most, if not all of us, have a lingering sense that there may be more loss still to come.

That sense of anticipation is called “anticipatory grief”.

A mourning process can occur even when we sense that a loss is going to happen and we don’t know exactly what it is yet. We know the world around us will never be the same, but what we have lost and will lose is still largely unknown to us. This can be difficult to come to terms with.

If you’re wondering if you might be experiencing this kind of grief, here are a few signs to look out for and some coping skills you can tap into.

 

Warning sign #1: You’re angry at things you can’t control

Finding yourself easily and persistently frustrated by things you can’t control is a very common manifestation of grief.

For example, working from home might have previously felt like a luxury, but now it feels more like a punishment. Your preferred brand of pasta not being available may not have been a big deal before, but suddenly you’re irate because the supermarket doesn’t have sufficient stock.

If small obstacles suddenly feel intolerable, you’re not alone. These obstacles often serve as unconscious reminders that things are not the same – triggering grief and a sense of loss, even when we aren’t aware of it.

If you find yourself getting riled up more often, be gentle with yourself. This is a completely normal reaction during a time of collective trauma.

 

Warning sign #2: You’re resigned to the worst case scenario

One of the ways that people often cope with anticipatory grief is to try to mentally and emotionally prepare for the worst case scenario. If you pretend that it’s inevitable, you can trick yourself into thinking it won’t be so shocking or painful when it does come about.

But this is a bit of a trap. Pondering gloomy scenarios, feeling hopeless as events unfold or anxiously spinning out about things that could go wrong won’t actually keep you safe – instead, it will just keep you emotionally activated. In fact, chronic stress can impact your immune system in a negative way, which is why it’s so important to practice self-care during this time.

Preparedness is important, but if you find yourself fixated on the worst possibilities, you may be doing more harm than good. Balance is key. 

 

Warning sign #3: You find yourself withdrawing

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, fearful and triggered, it makes sense that you might want to withdraw from others. If you can barely keep yourself afloat, avoiding other people can make you feel like you’re protecting yourself from their stress and anxiety.

This can backfire, though. Isolation can actually increase feelings of depression and anxiety.

Instead, you need to stay connected to others and you can do this by keeping firm boundaries. For example, you might say to a friend: “I’ve been having a really hard time with this COVID-19 stuff. Can we keep the conversation light today?”

Remember, there’s nothing wrong with setting whatever boundaries you need to take care of yourself.

 

What can you do to cope?

If you’re not sure about how to navigate anticipatory grief, there are some things you can do.

• Validate your feelings. There’s no reason to feel ashamed or critical of the emotions you’re having. Everyone will experience grief differently and the feelings you’re having are not unreasonable during such a difficult time. Be kind to yourself.
• Focus on the basics. Make sure you’re eating, staying hydrated and getting enough rest. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to maintain normalcy in the face of a crisis.
• Connect with others. It can be tempting to shut everyone out when you’re overwhelmed and emotionally activated. Resist the urge. Human connection is a critical part of our wellbeing, especially now. While you might not be able to gather together with others for support, you can make a phone call or connect virtually through FaceTime or Zoom.
• Prioritise rest and relaxation. Yes, it sounds absurd to tell people to relax during a pandemic. However, when your anxiety is heightened, it’s critical to try to de-escalate our bodies and brains.
• Express yourself. Creative outlets are especially helpful right now. Try keeping a journal, dancing, knitting, painting – whatever helps you to process what’s happening for you emotionally.
• Talk to a professional. Online therapy is a blessing right now. Chatting to a counsellor can be a vital resource for moving through grief and anxiety at this time.

 

Remember, you’re not alone

In fact, you’re far from it. So many of us are experiencing a grief process at this time of rapid change and collective uncertainty. You’re struggles are understandable, especially given everything that’s shifting around us.

Be gentle with yourself – and, if you need more support, don’t hesitate to reach out. We may be self-isolating, but none of us have to be alone right now.

 

Want to know more?

For more information about grief during the COVID-19 crisis, please contact the Walter Carter Funerals team by emailing enquiries@waltercarter.com.au.

Coping with grief during COVID-19

The spread of the coronavirus has taken a huge emotional toll on the community.

It’s changed the way we communicate with our friends and colleagues. It’s changed how we fill our leisure time. And it’s changed how – and if – we can spend time with our families.

Importantly, it’s changed how we experience grief. However, by being aware of your emotional, social and spiritual health, and deliberately focusing on your own self care, you can mitigate the effects of this ‘grief pandemic’.

Find out more at yourloss.com.au

Turn on the TV. Tune into the radio. Scroll through the news on your smartphone or tablet. All day and all night, the news is focused on one thing. Coronavirus. It’s here and it’s spreading. Every day, across the world, new measures are being put in place in an effort to stem the spread of infection.

In Australia, we’ve witnessed panic buying at grocery stores. Testing clinics are swamped. Sporting and cultural events have been cancelled. And we’re being urged to take social distancing seriously and stay isolated at home as much as possible.

Every aspect of our lives is being impacted by the coronavirus crisis – and death is not immune. Funeral providers across Australia, and indeed the world, are working out how best to support grieving families as they say goodbye to their loved ones.

 

The ritual of coming together in grief

Rituals are symbolic. They bring people together and help us express our deepest thoughts and feelings about important events in our lives.

Baptism celebrates the birth of the child and their acceptance into the church family. Birthday parties honour the passing of another year in the life of someone we love. Weddings publicly acknowledge the loved shared by two people.

A funeral is a ritual too. It’s a public, traditional and symbolic means of expressing our thoughts and feelings about the death of someone important to us. Funerals help us to acknowledge the reality of death, express our grief and mutually support those around us.

Since the earliest of times, humans have gathered together to say goodbye when a loved one dies. It’s deeply instinctive for us to do so.

But in these unprecedented times, we’re faced with the reality that attending a loved one’s funeral may not be possible. Limits on public gatherings and social distancing guidelines mean that sharing our grief with each other at a service is becoming more and more unlikely.

The government’s guidelines have already slashed the number of people who can attend indoor gatherings – and it’s likely that further changes are ahead. The possibility that public gatherings, including at funeral services, may be prohibited at some point in the near future is certainly not off the table.

We’re used to grieving together, in person. What happens when we can’t?

 

There are options

While funeral services can still go ahead, significant changes are already in place.

In accordance with government guidelines, no more than 10 people can attend a funeral service. This is to ensure the health of grieving family and friends, as well as the safety of funeral workers, clergy and celebrants.

Though disappointing, this is necessary. But there are ways for people to be part of a funeral service, even though they’re not physically in attendance.

Technology can help. Making a video recording of the funeral service and sharing it makes it possible for those who are not present to feel included and provides an important outlet for their grief. So too does live streaming, allowing family and friends to watch the service in real time.

And while we’re accustomed to a funeral generally being held within a handful of days of the death, there’s no limit to how much later you can hold a memorial service. While the burial or cremation will have occurred, you can certainly bring everyone together for a service in the months ahead when conditions have eased and prohibitions have lifted.

 

Continue to offer comfort and support

During times of grief, a hug, kiss on the cheek or simply a touch on the shoulder is the most natural way to show care and support. But with social distancing being practiced and many self-isolating, we need to find other ways to help each other through the grieving process.

Pick up the phone to share some words of comfort and lend a willing ear. Even better, use FaceTime or Skype to create a visual connection. While you may not be physically present, there’s a solace in sitting with someone – even if it’s over the phone or a video call.

Now, more than ever, we need to reach out and be kind to one another.

 

Want to know more?

For more information about funeral options during the COVID-19 crisis, please contact the Walter Carter Funerals team by emailing community@waltercarter.com.au.

Valentine’s Day is a favourite day for those in love. But if you’re grieving the loss of a spouse, fiancé or partner, coping with the day can be emotionally taxing.

Cupid’s arrow can pierce your heart in a very different way on Valentine’s Day. Everywhere you look, shops are suddenly filled with cards, flowers, chocolates, jewellery and stuffed toys for ‘that someone special’. What was once a day full of love, can now be a day full of sorrow.

It’s important to remember that love doesn’t end with death. While death ends a physical life, it doesn’t end the relationship you have with your loved one. The bonds of love continue in a different way and on a different level.

The key to making it through Valentine’s Day is to do what works best for you. Here are a few things you might like to try.

 

Prepare in advance

While ignorance might be bliss, it’s almost impossible to avoid the trappings of Valentine’s Day. There’s no secret formula, but try to focus on the fact that it’s just one day.

 

Allow the emotions to come

Grief never fits into a neat timetable and it’s not healthy to pretend that everything’s fine when it’s not. No matter how prepared you think you are, grief can still bowl you over with emotion. Let the emotions come – just try to keep them from overwhelming you.

 

Stay busy

If you’re dreading the rush of emotions that will come with Valentine’s Day, try planning an activity that will take your mind off things. Or schedule some quality time with family and friends.

 

Share the story of your romance

Take a stroll down memory lane with your family and friends. Tell them stories about the romantic side of your relationship. Look at old photos. They’ll get a kick out of it and so will you.

 

Pamper yourself

Treat yourself to some feel-good indulgences. Send yourself some flowers. Go to the spa for a facial. Get a massage. Or perhaps just slip into your most comfy PJs and watch your favourite movie.

 

Love yourself

Make a list of the five things your significant other loved most about you and read them aloud to yourself. Or buy yourself a present that you think he or she would give you, and think about them each time you wear it or use it.

 

Celebrate all your relationships

Although Valentine’s Day is marketed to lovers, it doesn’t just have to be limited to them – in fact, far from it. It can be a day to focus on anyone and everyone whom you love, including children, grandchildren and friends. Every day is a good day to tell your loved ones that you love them.

Whether it is your first year without your loved one, or it has been a number of years, it’s important to find a way to honour your memories of them and celebrate the fact that love is eternal.

 

Want to know more?

For more information about coping with grief, please contact the Walter Carter Funerals team by emailing community@waltercarter.com.au

Walter Carter Funerals Managing Director Dale Maroney shares how losing her mother on Christmas Day changed her family’s festive traditions.

The tree is up. The decorations are out. The lights are twinkling. Food is everywhere. And presents are plentiful. Christmas really is a special time of year. I still remember the sense of anticipation that dawned every December during my childhood when the decorations went up in our home.

For my family, Christmas has always been wrapped up in so many happy traditions. Waking up to a stocking stuffed with treats. Sitting around the tree opening our presents one by one (and making every effort to extend the process out as long as possible). Spending the day at Mum’s house and raising a glass to celebrate with family and friends. For me, it’s always been our family traditions that have made Christmas, well, Christmas.

But all that changed in 2012, when my Mum died on Christmas Day.

 

The moment Christmas changed

There’s a definite line in my life – one that divides the Christmases before 2012 and those after.

Christmas that year was always going to see us break with some of our family traditions. Mum was elderly and had been deteriorating for some months. She had round-the-clock nursing care and was in and out of consciousness, so wouldn’t be joining us. But we still prepared for a day of celebration surrounded by family and friends; I know it’s what she would have wanted us to do. It was the first year I’d be hosting the festivities at my home, rather than all of us congregating at Mum’s house.

My children and I visited Mum on Christmas morning, and we were all able to say “Merry Christmas” and “I love you” to her. By the time we headed home, she was resting comfortably and holding her own. There was certainly no sign that today would be the day she left us. But no sooner had we returned home to get stuck into making lunch for the soon-to-descend hoardes than the phone rang.

It was that phone call.

I’ll never forget my reaction. It hit me like a freight train. Even though I’d known for a while that her death was imminent, the shock was still overwhelming. I guess that’s the difference between understanding something in your head and feeling it in your heart.

My son drove us back around to Mum’s house, so we could say our final goodbyes. In a single moment, we went from looking forward to a day full of joy and laughter to the depths of sadness and despair.

 

Nothing prepares you

Was it all easier to deal with because I’m the Managing Director of a funeral home? Yes and no.

Ever since I can remember, my family have sat around the dinner table discussing the family business and I’ve spent a large proportion of my career working in the industry. So, on some level, I think it was easier for me – at least on an intellectual level – to deal with all the practicalities that follow the death of a loved one. I knew that a doctor had to certify her death, what paperwork needed to be completed and what the next steps were. I knew what was to happen before and after she was taken into our care at Walter Carter Funerals.

But, on an emotional level, it was no different for me than it is for anyone else. I’d just lost Mum. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in this industry and how much you’ve seen, when you lose someone close to you, it hurts.

In the blink of an eye, I went from being the Managing Director of a funeral home to someone who’d lost their mum and I had to make the mental shift to being a mourner. This wasn’t someone else’s mother that we were caring for. This was Mum. I had to allow myself to grieve.

When it came to the funeral arrangements, I was definitely on top of everything. It was my way of honouring her life. But I also had to make sure I was giving myself time to feel that sadness that sits at the very core of your being when you lose a loved one.

 

Change is OK

Seven years on and Christmas is still a special time of year for me. It’s still about family and friends and it’s still about joy and happiness. But it’s also a sad time of year, because it’s the anniversary of Mum’s death. From the moment dawn breaks on Christmas Day, she’s in my heart and mind.

Ever since I said a final goodbye to my Mum on Christmas Day, our celebrations (however hard we’ve tried) have simply never been the same. While traditions can help keep memories of our loved ones alive, they can also serve as a painful reminder of what’s been lost.

To help us cope with the loss we feel, we’ve changed our family Christmas traditions.

We still sit around the tree opening our presents one by one, extending out the process for as long as possible. But it’s different because Mum’s not with us. So we light a candle to remember Mum– for us, it’s a way of having her there with us. And having a Christmas celebration at home is a thing of the past. We now go to a restaurant and let someone else do all the hard work, which takes a lot of the pressure off.

Doing things differently helps me to get through Christmas. Traditions are important. But it’s OK to change them. Accepting that things have changed, and not expecting the festive season to be the same as it’s always been, allows me to manage my expectations at this time of year.

Feeling the pain of Christmas without Mum reminds me to truly appreciate the family and friends I have with me and cherish the memories of those I’ve lost.

Be kind to yourself this Christmas.

If you or someone you know need help coping with grief at Christmas, reach out to a family member, friend or counsellor – help and support at this time of year can make all the difference. Or email community@waltercarter.com.au and we’ll help you find the services and resources you need.

Have you even noticed that Christmas crackers tend to come in packs of six or 12? Even numbers seem to work. But what if this year you have an odd number of people at your table? One of your nearest and dearest is gone this year, never again to don the absurd tissue paper crown or ponder the point of the plastic trinket. How do you deal with the empty chair?

 

1. Do what feels right

It’s up to you to decide the activities and traditions you can handle. Don’t feel obligated to take part in activities that don’t feel doable. Grieving takes time. You only need to take part in things that feel comfortable.

 

2. Accept your feelings

Everyone has their own way of grieving. However you feel, accept it – and accept that there will be ups and downs. Try to stay in tune with your feelings and don’t judge yourself.

 

3. Call on family and friends

Talk to your loved ones about your emotions. If you want to talk about someone who has died, do so. And let others know its OK to do so too.

 

4. Focus on the kids

The festive season is a special time for children, and it can be helpful to focus on their needs.

 

5. Plan ahead

Sometimes anticipation can be worse than the actual event. Try taking the dread out by planning to take part in particular activities. Do what feels best for you.

 

6. Scale back

If the thought of lots of holiday activities feels painful and overwhelming, cutting back may help. Create realistic expectations for yourself and, above all, be gentle with yourself.

 

7. Give

It’s amazing how in times of grief that sometimes the greatest comfort is to give to others. Grief can seem to leave us paralysed, but channeling your energies into something positive by giving back to others can make all the difference.

 

8. Acknowledge the person who has passed

It can be helpful to take part in a ritual to honour the memory of your loved one. Try lighting a candle for your loved one or looking at old photos. Listening to a favourite song can also help.

 

9. Do something different

Acknowledge that things have changed and that the festive season will not be the same as it was ever again. Accepting this will help manage expectations.

 

10. Skip it

If it all feels too much, you can simply opt out of participating in Christmas activities. Let your family and friends know. But be sure to plan alternative activities for yourself and let someone know what you’ll be doing.

 

If you or someone you know need help coping with grief at Christmas, reach out to a family member, friend or counsellor – help and support at this time of year can make all the difference. Or email community@waltercarter.com.au and we’ll help you find the services and resources you need.

Dealing with death is hard for children. And it can be especially hard at Christmas time when they feel the absence of their loved one more acutely. Here are some ways you can help children cope with grief over the festive season.

 

1. Communicate

Talk openly about the person who has died. Children are literal thinkers, so avoid euphemisms like “went to sleep” and instead use the words “death” and “died”.

 

2. Connect

Let them share their feelings and stories. Talk about anything and everything. Keep the lines of communication open by spending one-on-one time with them.

 

3. Contact

Ask them how they would like be be greeted. By touching elbows, shoulders, the head or maybe giving a high five. Contact is a great way to show them you’re there for them. Also respect their right not to be touched.

 

4. Center

Remember that the family is the center of your children’s world. They need stability. You are it. Stay close by, so they don’t feel abandoned.

 

5. Carry

A special photo or a small momento to keep with them can help a child feel close to the person they have lost.

 

6. Create

Try drawing, colouring or painting. Creating a tree ornament or a festive collage can help children process their emotions.

 

7. Clown around

Children need a break from grieving. Let them have fun. Let them play. Let them be happy. Laughter releases good endorphins.

 

8. Change

Change is OK. Allow them to help make decisions about day-to-day holiday plans. Children may feel they have more control of the situation when they can help make decisions.

 

9. Composure

Don’t feel like you always need to be composed. It’s OK for them to see your tears and feel your pain.

 

10. Celebrate

Go to holiday parties and get-togethers. Remembering the past is important, but so too is creating new memories.

If you or someone you know needs help coping with grief at Christmas, reach out to a family member, friend or counsellor – help and support at this time of year can make all the difference. Or email community@waltercarter.com.au and we’ll help you find the services and resources you need.

Being fatherless at any time can be tough. But it’s interesting how a commercially-driven calendar event can hammer home feelings that may otherwise remain under the surface.

Greeting cards, TV ads and social media feeds tell us how we’re supposed to feel on Father’s Day. Happiness. Celebration. Togetherness. But if you’ve lost your father or you’re a father who’s lost a child, you might not be spending the day playing catch or wrapping up ties and socks. Instead, Father’s Day can be a harsh reminder of your grief.

Did you know?

The first recorded observance of Father’s Day was held on 5 July 1908 at Fairmont, West Virginia in the United States through the efforts of Grace Clayton.

The seeds of a Father’s Day Service were planted seven months earlier when a horrible mine explosion at Monongha, West Virginia killed more than 360 men. The 210 fathers who died left behind more than 1000 children.

Grace, who was mourning the death of her father from several years earlier, was touched by the thought of so many grieving children and suggested to her pastor that the local church dedicate a special day to honour and remember all fathers. She suggested the Sunday closest to her father’s birthday and Father’s Day was born.

When you’ve lost your father

As Father’s Day approaches, lots of people make plans to spend time with their father. Some families will meet up for a BBQ, others may decide to go camping and some will pay a visit to spend time with their dad. For those who are lucky enough to still have their fathers in their life, it can be a great day. But if your father has passed away, the day can be really hard.

Father’s Day can bring up a lot of feelings. Whether you’re young or old, single or married, a parent or not, losing your father is one of the most emotional experiences you’ll ever go through. Or you may have lost your father-in-law, grandfather or other father figure in your life.

If you’re struggling with grief this Father’s Day, know that you’re not alone. Here are some things you can do to help make coping with the day a little easier.

• Compile your memories. What are your first memories of your father? What are you grateful for? Ask your family for their memories too. Write them down.
• Take some quiet time. Carve out some time for peace and quiet. Don’t force your thoughts or emotions. Just observe them, letting them come and go as they will. Let yourself enjoy a moment of peace.
• Write a letter. Take the time to write some words to your father. Think about a favourite time. Recall an important life lesson he left you with. Pour out your feelings on paper or in front of the computer and be honest about everything you’re feeling.
• Pay tribute. Do an activity your dad loved. Eat his favourite meal. Visit that special place you used to go to together. Remembering times spent together can help you cope with the day.
• Make plans. Try planning an activity or schedule some quality time with family and friends. Staying busy can help you make it through the day.
• Ask for help. If you start to feel overwhelmed by sadness and grief, reach out to a family member, friend or counsellor. Help and support can make all the difference.

 

When you’ve lost a child

Losing a child is one of the most devastating types of losses anyone can experience. No parent expects to outlive their children. It feels unnatural and wrong. Grieving the loss of a child is an experience that colours the rest of a parent’s life. You can’t escape it and on days like Father’s Day, the grief may seem too much to handle. Time won’t heal the hurt, but it will become more bearable.

For a father, facing Father’s Day after the loss of a child can be extremely upsetting. This is especially true when the loss is new, but the pain of the day may continue year after year. If you’re grieving the loss of your child, here are some tips to help you get through the day.

• Spend time with your kids. If you have other children, spend the day with them. It may hurt to be with them and without the child you have lost, but finding joy in the children still with you is a powerful way to cope with those negative emotions of loss.
• Surround yourself with loved ones. You may want to hide away and be alone, but resist the urge. Spending time with people who care about you will be more helpful.
• Keep busy. Living in a state of distraction from your grief is not necessarily healthy, but on difficult days like Father’s Day it can help.
• Remember you’re still a father. Just because you’ve lost a child doesn’t mean that you’re not still a father to them. Never forget that. You are your child’s father forever.

 

When kids lose their dad

Father’s Day is often a challenging time for children who have suffered a loss in their life. If you’re supporting a child who has lost their father, grandfather or a father figure, use Father’s Day to help them learn more about who the person was in life.

• Talk about their Dad. Father’s Day is a great time to talk about the person they’ve lost. Share happy thoughts. Discuss good times. It will help ensure their father remains a real presence in their lives.
• Listen and validate. It’s important for children to learn how to express grief and adults need to validate their feelings. Help them communicate their feelings and remind them it’s OK to feel sad, mad, afraid, confused or lonely. And help them realise that it’s because of great love that we grieve in the first place.
• Make a memory box. Put keepsakes and other special items into a box. Tangible, visible items can help children feel connected to the person who has gone. It can be pulled out and cherished year round on birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions.
• Create a scrapbook or photo album. Young children may not have a large bank of memories of their dad. Family photos and keepsakes can help them remember and reflect on the good times. Having a scrapbook or photo album in memory of their father is a great way to keep memories alive.
• Build a memorial website. If you’re feeling high tech, you can build a website with pictures, stories, videos and other memories. Depending on your age and the age of your children, they may be 100% better at the project than you!

 

Supporting others through the day

While you may not have experienced the loss of your father, some of your friends may have. There are lots of things you can do to reach out and make their day a little brighter. Here are some ideas.

• Send a card or make a call. It’s a small gesture that means so much. All you need to do is remind them that you’re thinking of them.
• Be a source of comfort. Be there to listen to them and provide support.
• Avoid platitudes. Don’t try to rush your friend through the process of grief. This only invalidates what they’re feeling. Be patient.
• Be mindful of their feelings. If they don’t feel up to visitors, you should understand and respect that. Offer them a rain check.

 

Treasure good memories

Fathers play an irreplaceable role in life. If you had a good dad, then Father’s Day can be sorrowful and maybe even bittersweet as you remember good times. If you had a more difficult relationship, the day can bring up feelings of loneliness and sadness. Or if you’re a father suffering the loss of a child, it can amplify those feelings of loss and bereavement.

Focus on what your father meant to you and what you learnt from him. What is your father’s legacy? Why was he important to you? And remember, Father’s Day is a special day for celebrating and remembering fathers, grandfathers and others, whether they’re living or not. Take advantage of the day.

 

Want to know more?

For more information about coping with grief on Father’s Day, please contact the Walter Carter Funerals team by emailing community@waltercarter.com.au.